


it's a love story, baby, just say yes

by worry



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - This World Inverted (Shadowhunters TV), Demiromantic Demisexual Raphael, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Gay Raphael Santiago, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Raphael is an asshole, i guess? it's more like Vague Human Au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 09:51:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6606346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raphael smiles at her. "Oh, Simon didn't tell you?"</p><p>Before Simon can even say something - which is probably for the best, since everything out of Simon's mouth these days is awkward - Raphael <em>kisses </em>him. It's not quick and it's not meaningless - they're in a club and Raphael is practically <em>making out with him.</em> This is new, and Simon is <em>terrified </em>because it's - not exactly horrible.</p><p>"We're engaged," Raphael says.</p><p>(Or: the one where they all have an arrangement, Simon and Raphael are reluctant roommates, Simon is the world's biggest heterosexual until he isn't, and Raphael really just wants to piss Simon's friends off.</p><p>It backfires.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's a love story, baby, just say yes

They all hate him for it - because they have actual  _lives,_ Simon,  _god_ \- but there's an _arrangement_.

 

They made it in junior high - May Fourth, may the fourth be with you, at lunch, around twelve-thirty in the afternoon, he remembers  _everything._ It goes like this: every Saturday night, they meet up together. Sometimes at Alec and Jace's place, sometimes at Simon's place (that's really actually Raphael's place because he's the one who pays the fucking rent, Simon, _god,_ but Simon doesn't mention him much because the guy is a fucking  _asshole_ and if Simon wasn't stuck with the guy, he'd move out, but he's  _literally_ stuck with Raphael. Simon doesn't really have anywhere else to  _go,_ see. Raphael was a lonely friend-of-a-friend and Simon was a struggling kid who didn't want to admit he was too broke to get his own place. But. That's a story for another time.)

 

 It doesn't really matter where, all that matters is that they're together, and if someone misses it, Simon holds a  _grudge._ For about a week, until the next Saturday, when he turns into a puppy again - Clary's words, not his.

 

But now he's more like a feral dog, if he has to go with the stupid puppy comparison, because Lydia, Clary, and Izzy have been missing. For three weeks. Leaving Simon and Jace and Alec to drink awkwardly, and Simon to pray that Jace doesn't beat him up again or anything - it was in freshman year of high-school and Simon should really be over that by now, which is what Alec keeps telling him, but Simon doesn't  _get over_ things. Especially things like three of his best friends suddenly ignoring him.

 

He asks about it, on the third week.

 

Says: "Do you guys know why the girls haven't been showing up lately?"

 

"Maybe they have lives," Jace says back.

 

"Unlikely," Alec says. "I don't know."

 

"What do you mean, you don't know?" Simon asks. "Izzy's your sister."

 

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean she tells me everything."

 

"It should," Simon says.

 

"Look," Alec says, ignoring him. "Why don't you text Clary? I'm not too angry about her being gone, but. It seems to make  _you_ angry. So."

 

"I don't know," Simon sighs. 

 

"Alec's right," Jace tells him. "If you don't text Clary, I will."

 

So: Simon texts her, because he's always been a little (okay, a lot) (okay,  _extremely_ ) jealous of Jace and Clary, and every time Lydia and Izzy joke about making bets on how long it will take for them to get together, he feels sick. And then Alec says  _I don't care,_ and the topic changes. So. There's something good, he supposes. It's selfish but he's been in love with Clary Fray since he was in third grade - and he's not exactly fond of Jace, for many reasons, but especially the obvious.

 

 _Simon [5:33pm]:_ hey, clary. where r u? you've been gone for three weeks, and i had to spend three awkward days with jace and alec... i mean it was fun, i guess, but???? they apparently act rlly weird when you guys arent around. text me when u get this, k? i miss you. and izzy. and lydia, too.

 

Clary texts back almost immediately afterwards:

 

 _Clary [5:34pm]:_ Sorry! I was out of town with Lydia and Izzy. We actually just got back today. Izzy was visiting Meliorn, and Lyd was visiting John, and I was just kinda there. But hey! At least you got to spend some good quality time with Jace & Alec ;) I know, so exciting. Honestly, Simon, I'm impressed.

 

Simon swallows.

 

 _Simon [5:34pm]:_ with what?

 

 _Clary: [5:35pm]:_ With the fact that you hung out with them even when we weren't here. That's really nice of you. But like. You guys haven't spent time together in  _years._ Maybe it was good that I was gone?

 

 _Simon [5:36pm]:_ yeah it was Really Fun. theres a reason for that and its bc jace hates me now i think. not exactly sure why. and alec just kinda. im not sure? remind me why he's part of our group again?

 

 _Clary [5:37pm]:_ Because he's Jace's best friend, and Lydia's, and he's Izzy's /brother/. And we've known him forever??????? Seriously, Simon. I mean, I know he doesn't like me, but that doesn't matter.

 

 _Simon [5:37pm]:_ ok? anyways so why didnt you tell me you were going out of town

 

 _Clary [5:39pm]:_ Would you kill me if I said that we completely forgot?

 

 _Simon [5:40pm]:_ you forgot?

 

 _Clary [5:41pm]:_ We didn't forget. It was all so crazy, Lydia finally had time off and it was so sudden and yeah.

 

 _Simon [5:42pm]:_ its cool.

 

It's not actually cool, but Simon doesn't want to admit that.

 

 _Simon [5:42pm]:_ just promise youll come next saturday, okay?

 

 _Clary [5:44pm]:_ I promise.

 

Simon puts his phone back in his pocket, and sighs.

 

"Is Clary okay?" Jace asks, with a voice that's a mixture of concern and demand.

 

"She's fine," Simon replies. "She went out of town. She just... didn't tell us. Hey, wow, would you look at the time. I should be going."

 

"Hey, wait -" Jace starts, but Simon is  _gone._

 

* * *

 

 

"... And then Clary just - just -  _forgot,_ " he tells Raphael as he paces around his room.

 

"End of the world," Raphael says.

 

"Would you shut up? I don't understand it. She just  _forgot_ to tell me that she wasn't gonna be here for three weeks. And she could've texted me while she was gone, but she didn't!"

 

Raphael sighs, because Simon is really annoying but at the end of the day, they're still... not exactly friends, but Raphael did care enough to take him in and keep him safe and fed and clothed, so. That's something. Simon isn't very grateful. They're more like Two People That Live Together And Don't Get Along At All Ever But Also Care A Lot About Each Other, Deep Down.

 

So, like a couple that's been married for fifty years. Except not.

 

"I'm sorry," Raphael says.

 

"You know what I'm gonna do?" Simon asks. "I'm - I'll disappear for a while, too."

 

"No, don't do that," Raphael says, and his face lights up. As much as Raphael's usually-almost angry face can light up. "I have... an idea."

 

"Your ideas always suck."

 

"No, just listen."

 

"Fine," Simon hisses.

 

"Take me, next time."

 

"That's literally the worst idea I've ever heard," Simon says.

 

"Trust me," Raphael replies. "I know exactly what to do to make them regret not telling you."

 

"And that would be...? Also, you're starting to sound like a supervillain."

 

"Maybe I am," Raphael says. "It's a surprise."

 

"I  _guess_ I'll take you, because if I don't then you'll just ignore that and come anyways."

 

Raphael smiles at his words.

 

"Exactly."

 

* * *

 

 

It's actually Lydia who introduces him to Magnus. He would expect this kind of shit from his sister, but not  _Lydia._ Professional, work-focused, strict Lydia Branwell. 

 

She says that Magnus is a friend of a friend of a friend, which doesn't really explain why they had to meet at a fucking club, and the first thing that Magnus says to Alec is: "Well, Lydia. You didn't tell me that your friend was so... enchanting."

 

"What?" is all that Alec says - yeah, he's pretty cute, but this is  _incredibly_ uncomfortable. "Lydia..."

 

"Magnus," he says, and reaches for Alec's hand like the situation they're meeting in is formal - despite everything, Alec has a dumb smile on his face when he takes Magnus' hand. 

 

"Alec."

 

"My phone is vibrating," Lydia says. "I think it's work calling, so I should take this."

 

"Lydia -"

 

"I just want you to make some new friends," Lydia says, as quietly as she can. "The only people that you can stand at Simon's ridiculous get-togethers are me, Jace, and your sister. You deserve some happiness. Branch out, a little. But I wasn't lying - my phone is actually going off."

 

She walks off and Alec starts fidgeting, shifting on his feet, biting his nails. 

 

"No need to be nervous, _Alexander_ ," Magnus says. "I won't bite."

 

The only thing that Alec can come up with is a simple  _okay then,_ and he can't believe that Lydia would do something like this to him. Her intentions are good, and he knows that - Lydia's intentions are always good, and he owes her everything, but more often than not, these situations end up horribly. The last time Lydia tried to introduce Alec to a new friend, he ended up being a Bad Guy who was working for a wanted criminal named Valentine. She apologized profusely for it, and Alec didn't actually mind. It's not like he  _died,_ or anything. Or was kidnapped. Or illegally experimented on. Or kept prisoner. Or - there wasn't anything that the guy  _didn't_ do, practically. He's lucky.

 

Still. Things like that are really hard to forget.

 

"Would you like to dance?" Magnus asks. 

 

"Y- no. I mean, sorry, I can't dance."

 

"Half of the people in here can't dance," Magnus says. "All you need to do is enjoy yourself. Shall we?"

 

Alec  _wants_ to. But: "Sorry, I... this is confusing. I should go find Lydia."

 

"Of course, of course."

 

"Yeah, so..."

 

"Oh, before you go," Magnus says, "like most people in this world, I have a phone number."

 

"Okay?"

 

"I'd like to give it to you. If you'd let me."

 

"Oh." Alec says. "Okay. What is it?"

 

Magnus pulls out a marker - apparently he just carries one around with him wherever he goes, because of  _course_ he does, Alec thinks.

 

"Do you mind if I-"

 

"No," Alec says, quickly. He doesn't know why. It slips out.

 

He writes it on Alec's arm with a sort of intimacy that scares both of them, and Alec leaves as quickly as he can.

 

Outside, he can _finally_  breathe, but Lydia is nowhere to be found.

 

* * *

 

 

"Simon," Raphael hisses, unplugging the television from the wall, how _dare_ he, " _sleep._ Now."

 

Simon has been up for over twenty four hours marathoning  _Parks and Recreation,_ and Raphael is starting to really, really regret renewing Netflix. 

 

"No," Simon replies. "I haven't even found out if Leslie won the election or not. C'mon, man. You have to let me finish this season. There's _one more_ episode left."

 

"Go to sleep or I'll pick you up and tie you to the bed."

 

"That's kinky," Simon replies with a wink. "Sorry, not interested. I'm not your type."

 

"For God's sake, Simon," Raphael says. "I - you know what? Stay up and deprive yourself of more sleep. I don't care. Your body will shut down and then I'll finally be free of you."

 

"Love you, too."

 

"If you loved me, you'd go to bed."

 

"I would, but uh..." Simon says, "My legs, they're giving out on me. I can no longer walk. So sorry, it seems as if I must stay here, in this chair, for the rest of eternity."

 

"Let me help you with those, then."

 

"Huh," Simon says, " _what,_ " and suddenly he's in Raphael's arms. Raphael is, apparently, really strong. Either that, or Simon's body is just extremely lanky. It doesn't matter, because Raphael's body is most definitely  _not_ lanky, and shit, Simon never realized this but it's... a very good body. Not in  _that_ way. Simon can appreciate Raphael's extremely strong and beautiful body without it being weird.

 

Then Raphael  _throws_ him down on the bed, and Simon snaps out of it. 

 

"Night," Raphael says. "I hid your laptop, so don't even think about that. If you get up, I  _will_ know."

 

"What are you, my mom?" Simon asks.

 

"What are  _you,_ " Raphael replies sarcastically, "twelve years old?"

 

Yeah, okay, that's true. Simon _is_ acting pretty childish. He can't help it; Raphael is acting extremely out of character. Like, he actually  _picked Simon up._ Because he cared about Simon's well-being and health. That's not like Raphael at all.

 

He shuts the light off and walks out, and Simon lets out a breath of air he didn't even know he was holding.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec thinks he's going to die when Simon moves this Saturday's meeting to the club. The Club. That Magnus apparently owns. Magnus Bane, the owner of this club. The club of Magnus Bane. The club that is owned by Magnus Bane.  _Shit._

 

Jace seems to catch on to the fact that he's uncomfortable, and as they walk in, he says: "If you need to leave, just tell me. I'll make up some excuse and get us out. It's not like I enjoy it, either."

 

"I'm fine," Alec says. There's some little thing in him that wants to see Magnus again - something Sparked between them, or maybe that was just the bright strobe lights. It doesn't matter. What matters is this: he has to be okay.

 

* * *

 

 

"What exactly are you going to do?" Simon asks. Raphael sticks out in the crowd - he's still wearing one of his suits, despite Simon practically  _begging_ him to wear appropriate clothing. Appropriate clothing for a club is basically nothing, though, so Simon understands it - he only wishes that Raphael would  _listen_ to him for once.

 

"Like I said," Raphael replies. "It's a surprise."

 

* * *

 

Clary walks in wearing the most beautiful dress that Simon has ever  _seen._

 

She walks up to them - she's the last one to arrive, and Simon was starting to think that she wasn't going to come, his paranoia being his downfall yet again. Her mouth opens, slightly, when she sees them together. "Simon, you actually brought Raphael?"

 

"It was more like he tagged along without asking, but yeah."

 

"Not to be rude, but... why?"

 

Raphael smiles at her. "Oh, Simon didn't tell you?"

 

"Tell me about what?"

 

Before Simon can even say something - which is probably for the best, since everything out of Simon's mouth these days is awkward - Raphael  _kisses_ him. It's not quick and it's not meaningless - they're in a club and Raphael is practically _making out with him._ This is new, and Simon is  _terrified_ because it's - not exactly horrible.

 

He pulls away and everyone has a different expression:

 

Alec is looking down to the floor, Izzy is smiling and nodding, Lydia looks  _shocked,_ Jace is rolling his eyes, and Clary...

 

Clary doesn't seem to mind?

 

"Raphael, what the hell-"

 

"We're engaged," Raphael says.

 

"Oh," Clary replies. "Cool! I didn't know that you..."

 

"We're not engaged," Simon says. "He's full of it."

 

Raphael didn't expect  _cool._ Raphael expected hurt. Raphael expected - not this.

 

"Why didn't you tell me, Simon? I'm really happy for you."

 

"I don't know," Simon says. "Maybe because we're not actually engaged and Raphael is only saying that to make you -"

 

Raphael places his hand on Simon's thigh. As expected, it shuts him right up. Raphael has  _power_ over him now. "He's still coming to terms with it," Raphael says. "You know. Being in love with another man. But look, Simon, no one's judging you. It's okay."

 

"Raphael, I am going to  _kill_ you."

 

Then everyone gives them congratulations. Lydia's idea of a congrats is shaking Raphael's hand and saying: "I'm very happy for you two. I never expected it, but -"

 

To which Raphael replies, "I didn't expect it either. He was the one who proposed."

 

Lydia's eyes widen at that, but she laughs. "That's so sweet, Simon."

 

Simon hits him on the shoulder, but Raphael ignores it.

 

Izzy beams at him - her smile is a literal ray of sunshine. Calming. "So  _that's_ why you never talk about Raphael," she says. "What made you decide to finally bring him? It's been so long since we've seen him outside of your place." She laughs. "We started to think he was a vampire, or something."

 

"That might not be far from the truth," Simon says, and Raphael gives him That Glare, the one that says _shut up, Simon -_ or, on better days,  _idiota._ He's very familiar with Raphael's glares, see. He has a variety of them:

 

  1. The glare that he's giving Simon right now, the _shut the fuck up and stop talking_ one.  
  2. The one that's something along the lines of  _you absolute fucking nerd._ This is the one that is reserved for Simon's long pop culture rants.  _I can't stand Joss Whedon, Firefly should've gotten more than one season, Farscape was really good, Mean Girls is a goddamn masterpiece, Raphael, you have to watch it at least_ once.
  3. The glare that Raphael gives when he finally gives in and watches Mean Girls with Simon.
  4. The little eye-roll that he does when he's actually enjoying something, instead of whatever he does when he's not with Simon - he probably just sits around in the dark, Simon figures. He does seem to enjoy the dark a lot. Shit, maybe Izzy is right and Raphael  _is_ a vampire.
  5. The final glare. The  _death_ glare. The  _I'm going to kill you while you sleep_ glare - which is, coincidentally, the one that Simon is shooting at him currently. 



 

Yeah, they have a wonderful and perfect and happy relationship. Obviously. Or - shit. It's  _engagement,_ now, isn't it. Fuck. 

 

"Oh, you know," Simon laughs awkwardly. "I guess I just... never got around to it."

 

Izzy turns around to find Alec - most likely to say something witty - but. Alec is  _gone._

 

"Where's Alec?" she says. She turns to Lydia, Jace, and Clary, but they all shrug and look down.

 

_Shit._

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus appears behind him and it's  _chilling._ Everything about this situation is chilling. Everything about this situation is bad.

 

"You seem upset," Magnus says. "I'm always here to listen."

 

Alec isn't sure why, but he feels like spilling everything out -  _okay, so this guy that I don't really like is apparently engaged to another guy who I've only met a few times and also don't really like at all either. Also, they seem really happy together. I  -_

 

He says nothing besides, "I'm fine."

 

"I'm not going to push you," Magnus tells him. "I understand. I just want you to know that you can always rant to me, if you need to. A lot of people do it!" He winks. "I'm a good listener, if I do say so myself."

 

"Thank you," Alec says. "Really, I appreciate it. But I'm - I can't."

 

"Completely fine," Magnus says.

 

He glances over to their table and Alec feels something inside of him boiling as he watches Magnus' head turn. "Hey," Magnus says with a  _chilling_ amount of excitement, "is that  _Raphael Santiago_ I see over there?"

 

"You know him?" Alec asks.

 

"Not really," Magnus replies. "He used to come in frequently a while ago. I don't even remember how long it's been." 

 

And  _then._ And then he stares right into Alec's eyes and says, "He's a really good kisser, by the way."

 

Alec feels something boiling inside of him again. Something like sickness. Alec is going to be _sick._

 

"He's engaged," Alec blurts out. "To this guy I know, Simon."

 

Magnus stops for a moment, but smiles. "That's absolutely wonderful!" he says. "I'm glad he met someone. Hopefully now he'll do something other than sit around and be angry. I think seeing Raphael happy would be an omen of an impending apocalypse."

 

Alec laughs, because yeah, on the very rare occasions that he sees Raphael, he  _never_ looks happy. Also, Magnus is really funny. There's something about the way he speaks...

 

"Well," Magnus says, "I'd go over there and give my congratulations, but I'm fairly sure he won't want to see his old friend after all this time."

 

Alec coughs. Thankfully, his sister (and apparently savior) comes over a few moments later and ends the awkwardness of their conversation. Okay, so: Magnus was talking about how good of a kisser Raphael was. While staring directly into Alec's eyes. And then, prior to that, he gave Alec his number.

 

Oh. Magnus _likes_ him. This isn't good.

 

 "Alec," she says. " _There_ you are. Are you okay? You disappeared."

 

"I'm okay," Alec says. "Um. Just needed a little bit of air."

 

"It's okay," Izzy smiles. "Hey, who's this? Is this the guy Lydia told me about?"

 

"Magnus Bane," Magnus says, holding out his hand for her to shake. "I am indeed the guy that Lydia told you about."

 

Izzy takes his hand. "It's nice to meet you, Magnus Bane. I think I'm going to have to pull Alec away from you, though."

 

"Okay," he says. "I hope to see you again, Alexander."

 

"I hope to... yeah," Alec says. "Yeah. See you."

 

* * *

 

 "I had no idea you felt that way about me," Simon says, climbing into their car - fucking pretentious Prius that Simon hates Raphael for even owning. He buckles his seatbelt. "You could've just asked me out. I would've turned you down, because I'm straight, obviously, but you know. That was an option. Instead of kissing me and telling my friends that we're engaged."

 

"Shut up," Raphael says, starting the car. "I don't like you like that. I only did that in an attempt to make your friends regret not telling you."

 

"Yeah," Simon laughs. "That backfired. None of them are angry, and now they think we're dating. Why would you even do that? Why do you even, like,  _care_ if they didn't tell me?"

 

"Because I'm the only one allowed to be a dick to you," Raphael tells him.

 

Simon shakes his head. "We have to break up. Call off the engagement. I don't want anyone to think that I'm..."

 

"Gay?"

 

"I mean. I completely support it, and everything! But I'm the biggest heterosexual on the planet."

 

"You're more like the skinniest heterosexual on the planet, but whatever you say," Raphael says with a smile.

 

"I'm like three inches taller than you. Also, I'm  _ripped._ "

 

"I don't believe you," Raphael says. "It's not possible for you to have muscles."

 

"Technically it is," Simon replies. "I mean, the human body can't actually work without muscles, so.."

 

" _Shut up._ "

 

"You know what," Simon says, "I'll prove it."

 

"How, exactly, are you going to do that?"

 

Simon takes his shirt off and turns to Raphael, and Raphael just laughs. He has  _nothing._ At all.

 

... He looks really good shirtless, though. Like.  _Really_ good. And Raphael isn't staring, he  _isn't,_ he's just looking at his annoying roommate-slash-fake-fiance's half-naked body because Simon was wrong.  There's definitely no  _oh no, he's hot_ involved.

 

Okay. Maybe. It's stupid because there really isn't much to look at, but Raphael is flustered regardless. It's gross. It's so, so gross.

 

And yet.

 

"Dude," Simon says, snapping his fingers in Raphael's face. "You're zoning out big time. Everything okay?"

 

"You need to work on your definition of 'ripped'," Raphael says. "Now, put it back on and let's go."

 

* * *

 

 

Simon doesn't play guitar much anymore. This has something to do with the fact that the last time he played, Raphael started laughing his ass off in the other room.

 

He's digging through his closet when he finds his old guitar, and something inside of him says that he should see if he's still any good. Actually, it says something more like  _Raphael is sleeping, so you should start playing a really annoying song and wake him up, because that's a good idea that will have no consequences whatsoever,_ but that doesn't matter.

 

It starts off slow and quiet, until Simon gets more confident and starts playing loudly. _Singing_ , even. It's so loud that he doesn't even hear Raphael walk into his room.

 

"Never knew you were so good at guitar," Raphael says, and Simon  _jumps_ so high that the guitar hits him in the ribs.

 

"Knock much?" Simon says. His quest of  _wake Raphael up_ has been completed, but the intent was to annoy the fuck out of him, so it's only fifty-percent done. He can do this. "I thought you hated it when I played."

 

"That's because you used to be horrible," Raphael replies. "But now you're not. Did you sell your soul or something? Because that's the only way to describe this transformation."

 

Simon fake laughs. "Very funny. You should be a comedian. I was never horrible."

 

"You're a murderer," Raphael says. "A cold blooded killer. Your guitar playing murdered my ears. They haven't been the same since."

 

"Fuck you," Simon says, but it's playful.

 

"I want to wait until the day of our wedding," Raphael says, and gives a fake pout with his lips - which is actually disgustingly distracting, what the  _fuck,_ Simon. "Sorry."

 

Simon sets the guitar down on his bed. "Yeah," he says, "about that. You have to come with me tomorrow and pretend to have a fight with me, and then I'll say something like 'the engagement is  _off,_ Raphael! I hate you!' so everything will go back to normal."

 

"No can do," Raphael says. "But I will go with you."

 

"Not happening. I have no reason to stay married to you," he says, and puts  _married_ in air quotes. 

 

"Not married yet," Raphael corrects. "Engaged."

 

"Whatever," Simon sighs. "If you don't do the fight thing, I'll tell people that you, like, cheated on me, or something."

 

Raphael smiles. "Simon, have you ever had a long-term relationship?"

 

"Well, no. No. Never, but -"

 

"What about your friends?"

 

"Well, Lydia and John have been together for a long time, and Izzy and Meliorn... yeah, it gets a little exhausting being single, sometimes."

 

"I have a dare for you, then," Raphael says, because apparently now he's making excuses to stay "engaged" to Simon. "If you can find a girl - or guy - who wants to be with you, then I'll break up with you and it will all be in the past."

 

"Deal," Simon says.

 

"There are a few rules."

 

"Of  _course_ there are."

 

"One, it can't be a one-night stand. Two, it can't be anyone you know. That means no Jace, Alec, Lydia, Isabelle, or Clary."

 

"Yeah," Simon says, "I'm pretty sure I'm not interested in Jace or Alec, so."

 

"Final rule," Raphael says, "you have to meet them somewhere that isn't a bar or a club."

 

Simon's eyes widen. "That's not fair! I'm just going to say we broke up. You can't make me do this."

 

"No, because I'm coming to all of your meetings with you now. You're stuck with me."

 

He's not exactly sure  _why_ he's doing this. 

 

It's to piss Simon off. It has to be. It's not like he's enjoying pretending to be engaged, and that kiss was  _horrible._ Simon needs to work on his kissing.

 

Still.

 

"You're worst fake boyfriend ever," Simon says. "Okay, on one condition."

 

"And that is?"

 

"You have to find a girlfriend, too."

 

Raphael laughs, because  _wow,_ Simon is out of the loop. "That's going to be a problem."

 

"I know," Simon says. "You're not attractive. Also, you're angry all the time. And you have no friends that aren't me."

 

Raphael gives him A Glare. The Glare that comes with an eye-roll and Raphael shaking his head like he can't believe he's "married" to someone so oblivious. "No,  _idiota._ I don't  _like_ girls. Or anyone, until I've known them for quite a while."

 

"Whoa," Simon says in disbelief, "you're gay?"

 

"I'm demiromantic and demisexual, but yes, when I feel attracted to people, I only like men. How long have we been living together and why wasn't it obvious?"

 

"Demi-what now?"

 

"I just explained it," Raphael sighs, and regrets bringing up the whole _demi_ thing because people never understand. "I only feel attracted to people when I've formed bonds with them. It takes a very special person for me to actually think that they're sexually attractive, or that I want to be in a relationship with them."

 

"Oh," Simon says. "That's interesting. And good, because now I know that you're not into me like that, because I'm definitely not a special person."

 

The first thought that comes into Raphael's mind is  _don't be so sure,_ and  _fuck,_ Raphael  _was_ checking him out in the car, and Raphael  _did_ enjoy the kiss, and Raphael  _likes_ him. Simon. Simon Lewis. His annoying-as-fuck roommate Simon Lewis, who used to suck at guitar but is  _amazing_ at it now. His stupid roommate who is still making Raphael pay for everything. His gross roommate who stays up for days watching half-hour comedies and refuses to go to bed.

 

His very very straight roommate who is the self-proclaimed Biggest Heterosexual On The Planet.

 

This is bad.

 

This is really, really bad. 

 

* * *

 

 "So, um, Lydia," Alec says awkwardly. "Say I have a phone number. How long should I wait to call them?"

 

Lydia  _oooh_ s. "When did you get it?"

 

"About... two weeks ago," Alec admits.

 

Lydia sighs. "Well, in that case, I'd say immediately."

 

They're the first ones to arrive. Simon set the meeting up at a coffee shop, this time, which is weird. Alec wonders if he doesn't want anyone at their house because of Raphael... but he could've set it up at their apartment. Without asking permission first, which is usually what Simon does. Or at Clary's. Lydia and Isabelle live with her, so that would make a lot of sense, but. A coffee shop. Seriously?

 

Lydia is drinking a caramelized honey frappuccino, and Alec is drinking nothing because he knows how he is with caffeine and that would be an absolute nightmare. Seeing Alec with coffee in him is a fate he wouldn't wish on anyone.

 

Except Simon or Clary, because fuck them.

 

"I don't know if I can," Alec sighs. "I think it's probably too late."

 

"If they truly care about you," Lydia says, "then it won't matter when you call. Come on, it'll be fine!"

 

"I..."

 

"It's ultimately up to you, Alec. But in my opinion, you should go for it. You deserve a little happiness."

 

Alec smiles a little because Lydia is wonderful and amazing and  _right,_ even if he doesn't want to admit it. She's right - he does deserve happiness. 

 

Even if it comes in the form of the mystifying (and admittedly, very hot) Magnus Bane.  _Especially_ if it comes in the form of the mystifying Magnus Bane.

 

He retrieves his phone and dials Magnus' number.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Hey," Alec says, "it's... Alec. We met at your club. I hope this isn't too weird..."

 

Lydia gives him a look that says  _Magnus?_ but also  _what did I_ say,  _Alec._ It's two intrusive looks in one. Alec doesn't know how she managed it.

 

"Ah, Alexander," Magnus says, with a high, excited voice. There's no loud music in the background, so Alec figures he must be at his house. "I've been waiting for you to call for quite a while. How are things?"

 

"Good," Alec replies. "Very good. Um, what about you?"

 

"Oh, you know," Magnus says, "just another boring day."

 

"I doubt that. Your life doesn't seem like it could ever be  _boring._ "

 

"You'd have to be in it to know that," Magnus says, and Alec wishes he was dead. "Would you like to be? I'm very free right now, if you'd like to go out."

 

His first instinct is to say  _sorry now's not a good time bye,_ but he looks over at Lydia and remembers her words and says, "I'm actually out with some friends right now, if you want to join us. We're at the Mortal Cup Coffeehouse, so..."

 

"Perfect!" Magnus says - okay, it's more like a shriek, but. "I live not too far from there, actually. I'll be over soon. Goodbye."

 

"Bye," Alec says, and presses  _END CALL._

 

Lydia is on him as soon as he puts his phone down. "So? How did it go? Is he coming?"

 

"He's coming."

 

Lydia smiles and Alec actually feels  _proud_ of himself for once.

 

* * *

 

 They both arrive at the same time, and holy  _shit,_ it's awkward.

 

Magnus eyes him down from across the parking lot, until he finally approaches them - they don't  _look_ like a couple, despite what Alec said. Raphael looks like he's yelling at his fiance, and Raphael's fiance doesn't look like his type at all. Raphael's fiance looks incredibly uncomfortable and Magnus isn't very good at reading lips but he looks like he's saying  _fuck you._

 

He assumes it's just a lovers' quarrel. Until he taps on Raphael's shoulder and says, "Hello, Raphael. You haven't changed a bit," and Raphael's fiance does nothing but roll his eyes and enter the coffee shop alone.

 

"Magnus," Raphael says. "What are you doing here?"

 

"What, no 'nice to see you again?'"

 

Raphael stares at him.

 

"I'm on a date," Magnus sighs. "Was that your fiance? He's rather cute, albeit in a geeky way."

 

"What? No, he's my..." Raphael starts, and then remembers that they're still supposed to be engaged, and that his first instinct when thinking about being with Simon shouldn't be to  _deny._ "More than that. I wouldn't call it fiance, it's more like we're already married. We're just... so in love. Also, how did you know I'm engaged?"

 

"Yes," Magnus says. "You two certainly do look like lovers. My date told me. Do you know him?"

 

"It isn't Alec Lightwood, is it?"

 

"Bingo."

 

"Simon's friend," Raphael says. "The tall and awkward one." He smiles. "You two would look really good together."

 

"I think so, too," Magnus replies. "I hope things work out well."

 

"We should catch up sometime," Raphael says. "But right now, I'll leave you to your date."

 

"I agree. And thank you."

 

* * *

 

 

 

Simon only starts to realize how fucking trapped he is when he tries to flirt with the barista. 

 

She says her name is something like Abby or Andrea - he doesn't remember, he can only focus on... well, her shirt - and she serves him his coffee with a wink and Simon's about to slip her his number when Clary walks up to him and goes, "Oh, I'm so glad Raphael is here again! Have you thought about dates, or is it too early?"

 

If Simon wasn't completely in love with her, he would kill Clary where she's standing.

 

Angelica walks away with a scoff.

 

It's not like he can just  _tell_ Clary that his relationship with Raphael is fake, because Raphael would probably just pull that  _you don't need to hide our love, Simon_ shit again. Which is extremely embarrassing and humiliating, but that should go without saying. All he says is, "No, we haven't really thought about them. Is everyone here?"

 

"Yeah," she says. "Alec brought a friend."

 

"Alec has a friend?" Simon says in fake disbelief.

 

"Oh, shut up."

 

They walk over to the others and Simon  _hates_ Raphael because Raphael totally and completely set him up. No one-night stands, none of his friends, and no meeting her at a bar or a club. That last part is the problem. Raphael  _knew_ that something like this would happen. 

 

If Simon didn't know better, he'd say that Raphael actually enjoys pretending to be engaged to him.

 

For reasons other than pissing Simon off to no end.

 

_Shit._

 

* * *

 

 

Simon drops down on the couch the minute they walk through the door. He pulls Raphael down with him, and says, "You set me up. I almost got a date but then the whole Simon, Have You Picked Out A Wedding Date? thing happened and God, I just hate you so much."

 

"You're only just now realizing that I set you up?" Raphael asks. " _Dios,_ Simon. You're slow."

 

Simon rolls his eyes and ignores Raphael's comment. "Why, though? Why is it your personal goal to make my life hell? And who was that guy in the parking lot?"

 

"Because it's fun," Raphael replies. "And that guy was Magnus Bane. The guy who texted me when he took home your friend Alec and then again after they, I quote, 'made out for like ten minutes until he had to leave suddenly.'"

 

"And you know him how? Are you fake-cheating on me?"

 

"We've been friends for quite a while," Raphael says. "Since before you moved in with me. We'd probably still be close now if you had never showed up. If anything,  _you're_ the one who made  _my_ life hell."

 

"What did I do, cockblock you?"

 

Raphael frowns. He's about to say something, but Simon starts rambling. "Because that's what you're doing to me, you know that, right? Like, I never got any before this whole fiasco started, but now you're taking away even the possibility of me having sex for the first time in like a year. And it's really, really annoying. I know you don't like it or whatever, but for me it's really frustrating."

 

"It's been a year?" Raphael asks smugly.

 

"Oh, shut up, you do  _not_ get to be a smart-ass with me right now. Everything wrong in my life has been  _your_ fault. Everything!"

 

"Name one thing that I have done besides apparently deprive you of sex."

 

"You... you... you're annoying. And you're an asshole. And you steal my shampoo in the shower and use way too much of it. Seriously, man, I go through like three bottles of shampoo a month because of you. Like, what do you do with it? Do you just like squeeze out half of the bottle directly onto your head? I don't get it. You know that you only need one squirt of shampoo to get your hair clean, right? I know you prioritize cleanliness but that's just excessive, honestly."

 

"Think about me in the shower a lot, Simon?"

 

"And there you go again with your... ruggedly handsome yet... completely snarky remarks. I-"

 

He stops, because  _fuckfuckfuck_ he just called Raphael ruggedly handsome and Simon is the Biggest Heterosexual On The Planet, surely,  _obviously._ It's a platonic handsome. It's an  _angry_ handsome. Simon doesn't know it's possible for him to find someone attractive in a platonic or an angry way, but. It definitely is.

 

He hopes that Raphael didn't notice it.

 

"I believe you once called yourself the biggest heterosexual on the planet," Raphael says, and  _shit, fuck,_ he definitely noticed. How could he not, Simon thinks. It's just a normal thing. Raphael is attractive - that's just a  _fact,_ okay - and he probably has dozens of men (and women!) falling for him, and it's just completely normal to notice how attractive someone is like this. "What happened to that?"

 

"Nothing happened," Simon says. "I still am. My point is that I need you to fake break up with me, or I'll die of sexual frustration."

 

"I bet," Raphael says. He licks his lips and Simon thinks that he has to be doing this on purpose. He's being this attractive specifically to spite Simon. Who is the Biggest Heterosexual On The Planet. Who doesn't get distracted by other guys licking their lips. Right. "I'm going to go shower and use up all of your shampoo now."

 

"You fucker."

 

* * *

 

 Okay, so he's not in love with Clary.

 

He is - presumably - the first person that she texts after her first kiss with Jace and Simon thinks that he should be  _devastated,_ but he isn't. He's truly, truly happy for her. His first instinct is to get out of bed and tell Raphael, actually, which should be his first clue.

 

 

His second clue is that Raphael has been showering more and more frequently, and every time he comes out of the bathroom wet and shirtless, Simon feels awkward and  _hot._ Yeah. In  _that_ way. It's nothing that he hasn't seen before; they've been living together for  _years_ and he's probably seen Raphael shirtless a billion times, but it's different now because Simon's finally coming to terms with the fact that he is totally and completely attracted to Raphael Santiago.

 

Okay, so he definitely isn't the biggest heterosexual on the planet.

 

He's more like the biggest bisexual on the planet.

 

* * *

 

 

The next time that he showers, he finds a new bottle of shampoo with a little bow on it and a note that says  _here you go, idiota, your very own bottle of shampoo._

 

Fuck, Simon has it bad. So, so bad.

 

* * *

 

 

They were supposed to be at Mortal Cup an hour ago.

 

 

But.

 

Simon stayed up all night trying to finish every mission on  _Star Trek: Online,_ and he passed out.

 

In Raphael's bed.

 

He wakes up to a groan of, "Simon, it's six-thirty. I texted Clary and told them you wouldn't be able to make it."

 

"Wh-what?" he asks, half-asleep. "Did I seriously sleep that long?"

 

"Yes," Raphael replies, "and I'd like my bed back now, please. Get off."

 

Oh no, Simon's in Raphael's bed, Simon passed out in Raphael's bed, Raphael's bed that smells like Raphael's wonderful cologne, Raphael's bed that Raphael sleeps in every night in his undershirt and boxers.

 

This isn't good.

 

But Simon's really, really tired, and he says  _make me get off_ without realizing how damn sexual it sounds. He seriously just said  _make me get off_ to Raphael Santiago, the guy he's totally-maybe-completely in love with. This also isn't good.

 

"Do I have to carry you to your room again?" Raphael asks.

 

"No," Simon mumbles. "I'm staying. Right here. And sleeping."

 

"Then I guess you should move over, because I'm extremely tired and I want to take a nap."

 

"What?" he asks, but Raphael's already climbing underneath the covers with him.

 

Raphael falls asleep, fast, and Simon wakes up a few hours later with Raphael's head on his chest, and thinks again:  _shit._

 

* * *

 

 

Raphael comes out of the bathroom at five in the morning wearing nothing but a towel.

 

He's walking down the hallway when Simon sees him and fuck, he thinks he's going to die where he stands. Death would be preferable to  _this._

 

"Um," he says. "What are you doing up this early?"

 

"Trouble sleeping," Raphael replies. "I take it it's the same for you?"

 

"Yeah," Simon says, and he's not even being discreet about it, he's just  _staring_ at Raphael's almost-completely-naked body. Okay.

 

Raphael is the first to break the awkward silence. "Simon, you're acting odd."

 

"I am," he says back. "Oh, God, I really am. Listen, I'm-"

 

"Frustrated?" Raphael suggests in an interruption, and Simon thinks that he's definitely deceased, he's a ghost, he's in the afterlife, he's _undead,_  because Raphael just asked him if looking at his body made him Frustrated and Simon - yeah, he is. He really, really is.

 

"That might be accurate," Simon says. "Okay, it is. Extremely accurate."

 

"I could help you," Raphael says quickly, "relieve some of it."

 

"Fuck," Simon breathes, "okay. Yeah. Let's... yeah. I can't believe I-"

 

" _Dios,_ shut up for once," Raphael says, and attempts to embrace him. Simon pushes him away.

 

"I don't wanna do this," Simon says. "I want you to be comfortable. I'm not your special person, so if you're uncomfortable with sex - wow, I just said that out loud - then I get it. You don't have to do it, if you're not attracted to me like that."

 

"You  _are_ my special person," Raphael replies, "how oblivious can you be?"

 

"Oh," Simon says, and smiles slightly. "Well, in that case..."

 

* * *

 

 

"Raphael Santiago," Simon says to him, a few hours after the panicked realization of  _wow, that happened, that actually happened, what the fuck_ has set in and passed. "Will you be my real, definitely not fake boyfriend?"

 

"I  _suppose,_ " Raphael replies, smirking, and it's the most attractive thing Simon has ever seen.

 

Simon smiles at stares at Raphael - his  _boyfriend._

 

This is everything he didn't know he wanted, he thinks. This is all that he has  _ever_ wanted.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> okayyy so it's literally 2:30 in the morning where i live and this sucks but i hope u like it!! yeah


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